Hi! I just found this site. I am at a loss and need anyones help with AS. My step son 10,(lives W/ mom) has high functioning Autism. Last week he shoved a girl so hard @ school that she broke 3 arm bones and hurt her knee. The mom of the injured girl was understandably upset. (It was a fluke I found out at church before his actual mom did) He also has a recent(4+months) preoccupation to "Play with himself" in public. (Kinda embarrassing ) Is this "normal" (whatever that is ) for a child with Asperger Syndrome? He also punched another girl in the face recently. Why are they girls? His home life is unsatisfactory and if he does anything inappropiate his mom (and sometimes my husband) hinders him by saying "He cant help it, he has Autism" and so, they dont want to discipline him, thats sad to me cause how can he learn?......Arrrrgh
What can I do about it? Is he at risk of maybe injuring or transfering his new sexual preoccupation onto any of our other children.(we have 4 others, including an infant daughter) I admit I dont know much about this disorder but I want to!
Could he have additional undiagnosed issues that cause this aggression and sexual behavior?
Please, Please help! For the sake of my step son whom I love and our other children at home. Thank you so much

Hi, being Autistic is NO EXCUSE for bad manners. If he is doing certain things in public that are not acceptable, someone should explain to him why it is not acceptable and that type of behavior should be done in private. There are consequences for unacceptable behavior Autistic or not.
Why are his parents allowing this behavior? If they don't tell him right from wrong he is going down a path of destruction in my opinion. I think he behaves like this because HE CAN GET AWAY WITH IT. This is sad situation-
In my opinion, if his parents keep ALLOWING this behavior I would keep watch over my children at all times. When he visits and does something inappropriate to your children, explain thoroughly why that behavior is not allowed in the house.
Aspergers children are extremely bright kids! Aspergers is a form of Autism, but a high functioning form- these children often have advanced IQ's or just average. They do have social problems, but every child can learn! My son is Autistic, profoundly Autistic, he can't speak and is 8 years old. His mind is like a 3 year olds. I have taught him "nice hands and feet" consistently. He has learned that it is not o.k. to hit or kick or he loses his movie privlege. This works for our family and our son is very handicapped. Protect your children! Hopefully, explaining things to this child calmly and letting him know if this type of behavior continues there will be consequences. I hope I helped you out a little bit. Good luck! P.S. these are just my opinions so please don't bite my cyber head off.

HI! Being a step parent is truly difficult (I am one to two teenage daughters) and then adding a child with autism on top of that is unquestionably frustrating. My son, 4 1/2 is High functioning autistic, and he has a tendency to hit. He does it when his personal space has been invaded, and that's generally the only time. I've taught him that is not nice, and he must'nt do that, and now it is more of a tap than a hit, however, that is also unacceptable as well and we, with consistency, are curbing that as well. But, getting to that point to consistency and lots of love and routine. You can't let him do it one day and then let him get away with it the next. It's confusing to him.
I applaud your desire to help your stepson, it sounds as if his parents feel sorry for him. I can relate to that, but as you know it doesn't help him, and being a mere stepparent (remember, I am one!) your opinion will be unwelcome at best. Do remember this, I have learned and been taught that children with ASD do not want to misbehave, and when they do it is ususally something in their environment that is the impetus for the misbehavior. Perhaps his class size is too large, perhaps there are sensory issues going on there. THe excuse of "well, he's autistic" is no good. If he is HF autistic, then he has the intellect--but does he have the know how? If his behavior has been glossed over for years, then he now has a pattern of misbehaving and getting away with it. This is not good. Perhaps you should encourage your husband to call an IEP meeting (do you live in the US??) to discuss new approaches, adding a new therapy --Music Therapy helped my son the most--or some new evaluations. Hang in there. I know its hard, but you have the heart.
Janet

yes, I agree with jcbcode99 on the space thing, and reaction to their environment.

its impossible to judge the situations mentioned and ppl within society are very quick to judge. it might not be acceptable behaviour; hitting or some form of masturbation in public, however we are talking here about a child with autism - someone who views the world differently and who needs help with understanding. therefore it is pointless trying to prevent the child from self-stimulation, tell him that it is ok to do it in his bedroom and only his bedroom. reagarding hitting, always investigate what has caused it, it might be something irrelevant to you but quite a big thing to the child. children on the spectrum often become anxious in various situations (social interaction being one of them) for all sorts of reasons, they can also become over excited and respond in this manner without the intention of malice. teach him - say "hands down (his name)"... the parents or your voice should always be calm and keep your sentences short, have a go

I forgot to mention Social Stories; you can make these yourself, keep it sweet and short and add some simple pics, sort of 4-6 pages, short sentence on each page, mention his name and the pics can be very simple, even stick ppl Social Stories can be used for anything you want the child to learn

Social Stories are WONDERFUL! We used them with my son when the hitting was worse, and they really helped. He loves to see himself in a book!

Thank you all for your replies. They really help! Did I mention I am new at this? My husband and I have only been married for under a year.

Luckily, it seems I did the right thing about his his masturbating in public. I did tell him that he can do that in his room. The last thing I want to make him feel is shame, that will NOT help.

I have spoken with my husband and told him that, even though his son has HF Asperger, he will still have consequences in our home for misbevavior. I explained its because I DO love him and want him to be a positive member of society and turn out well. I'm not sure my advice was very welcome just as the step mom who replied to me said. Its almost as if, since I haven't known him or "autistic behaviors" that how could I possibly know what's best?

The other children do realize it when he doesn't get disciplined for something they would have gotten in trouble for. We do, however, give him different consequences because he is autistic. Is that right?? We realize that we may have to remind any of our other children not to do something a few times but for him its dozens of times befores it sinks in.

Last time I saw him he told me that he wasn't going to work as an adult. (Apparently its not something his mom expects). I was aghast! Its so unfortunate because you should see how he plays complicated board games of strategy or complex math problems. Its amazing!!! I told him HE CAN BE ANYTHING HE WANTS TO BE! No-one can stop him from realizing his dreams.


I need more information (from anyone) on the Social Stories, please, and what they are. I would like to try them.

Thanks again! This has been helpful. I'm so glad I found this site. After hearing some of your stories and how profoundly Autism can be, I realize how very fortunate I am that his is HF, (which doesn't make it easy though). Kudos to all you dedicated mothers! Way to go!

Anonymous wrote:

I forgot to mention Social Stories; you can make these yourself, keep it sweet and short and add some simple pics, sort of 4-6 pages, short sentence on each page, mention his name and the pics can be very simple, even stick ppl Social Stories can be used for anything you want the child to learn

hi there,

congratulations on your new married life and as I have mentioned above, Social Stories are just little homemade and tailormade stories you can make yourself and if your stepson would like he can help too.

here is a link you might want to check out if you still don't understand:

www.thegraycenter.org/...tories.htm

also try to remember that he is still fairly young and does not have the same priorities ie. must go and get a job, and so on.
he sees the world differently and he thinks differently to you and other NT adults or kids, you cannot ask a cat to behave like a dog (although some cats do).

the reality is he will never fit into your "normal kid" category because there will always be the slight issue of neurological differences, asperger syndrome is not something you can fix, perhaps you should ask yourself why you would want to?

it is much easier and more beneficial to him and everyone in your family if you accept his disability and learn about him as an individual. focus on the positives and work on that, find out what makes him tick; what does he like to do best and use it to enter his world, not vice versa.

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The other children do realize it when he doesn't get disciplined for something they would have gotten in trouble for. We do, however, give him different consequences because he is autistic. Is that right?? We realize that we may have to remind any of our other children not to do something a few times but for him its dozens of times befores it sinks in.

on average anyone who spends just 2 hours a week over a period of 4-6 months with a severely autistic child or a person (plus some input from the main carer about the child or adult) can gain their trust, interact and get to know them and find a way to positively communicate with them with excellent results. - now imagine what you could achieve.

my strong advice is; read a book or join a group locally, better still read this en.wikipedia.org/wiki/...s_syndrome , memorize parts if you have to, it will give you the answers to your quoted questions above.

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I have spoken with my husband and told him that, even though his son has HF Asperger, he will still have consequences in our home for misbevavior.

ouch! - even though you are in a wheelchair I will make you walk! - good luck

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I explained its because I DO love him and want him to be a positive member of society and turn out well. I'm not sure my advice was very welcome just as the step mom who replied to me said. Its almost as if, since I haven't known him or "autistic behaviors" that how could I possibly know what's best?

am sure your heart is in the right place (you would not be here otherwise), and any criticism from your husband or anyone (incl. me) you should take onboard and learn, at the moment it sounds like you take it way too personally - have to say, because you are a step-mom you should have done your homework quite sometime ago.

this young boy needs you to understand him so get a grip, do some research and enjoy him.

I am a mom of a 12 year old with Asperger's and have grappled with the issue of consequence for behaviors that arise from the disorder. It is hard to discipline a child who "can't seem to help himself." We found helpful to separate the behaviors into completely unacceptable no matter what, and undesirable but not "punishable".

in the unacceptable and punishable category is:
hitting, biting, kicking, pushing

for these offenses we set consequences for them. Our goal was to teach him that actions have consequences. Since he may not have empathy or sympathy for the natural consequences (ie the other child's pain), we set consequences he could relate to. My son's biggest interests are video games, TV and computer. He would lose all privileges to use these. The time was set according to how bad the offense was.

For undesirable behaviors which are socially inappropriate:
We used a combination of techniques -- immediately point out to the child what rule was broken -- calling sister names and send for a time out. ignore small negative behaviors -- redirect to a more appropriate behavior -- etc.

At the beginning we focused all our attentions on the worst behaviors. When these improved we moved down the list of unacceptable behaviors addressing one or two at a time.

We found in order for us to be able to implement an effective behavior modification plan, Nathan needed to be stabilized on medication (not the answer for everybody) Nathan is also bipolar. The medication helped control moods swings (rages). It provided a small measure of control for him over emotional outbursts. Now when he expresses a strong emotion we can figure out what happened to set him off. He is also able to confine his frustrations to more verbal outlets.


Best of Luck to you. I understand the difficulty of your position as a stepmom and a new one at that.

If you have high speed access I suggest you(and your husband) watch this video by Temple Grandin. She has high functioning autism/Asperger's
and talks candidly about how children need to be accountable for behavior. She also had a unique way of categorizing Rules of Society that might help you think about how to address behaviors.
www.childnett.tv/

My 5 yo was diagnosed with AS and ADHD about 5 months ago. The year before she was kicked out of preschool for hurting her fellow students (in a 45 min period she pushed 6 children face first in the sand) and the teachers. She had very low self esteem and very violent tantrums. I took her to about 5 different doctors before some one agreed that there was a problem. The rest of them just told me she was "just being a kid". I also ended up having to quit my job and make sure that she was in my sights at all times because I never knew when and what would set off another episode. After we got the diagnosis of AS and I had something to look up I found lots of helpful info. I implemented a Personal Time Out. This is when I see that she's getting frustrated or too excited, I pick up her favorite book and have her sit and read for 5 minutes. That way she doesn't feel like she's being punished, and it gives her a chance to calm down. Good luck on your journey, I'm not too into mine yet, but at least we have a start.

Anonymous wrote:

ouch! - even though you are in a wheelchair I will make you walk! - good luck

Awww, I'm not sure that's entirely fair.

The bottom line is that unless the kid is going to end up spending his entire life in his parents' home or an institution, he is going to have to learn the basics of "appropriate" behavior.

I don't think consequences are unreasonable as long as there is sufficient explanation to go with them (and yes, that means repeating it 1000 times if necessary). And of course, the "punishment" should fit the "crime".

I mean, look at this realistically. If the kid hits people, at first, he's just a kid. Thing is, he won't be a kid forever. One day as a teen he's going to whack someone, do some real damage and then it will be his first arrest. And once he's in the system, it's unlikely any good will come of it.

I've had very good success with reflecting the behavior back to the child--I've done this with my son, who is almost certainly Aspie (at 17, I'm not going to force a diagnosis, that's up to him) and another autistic boy, now 13, who stays with us summers.

Sometimes it's been hilarious--for example, our young guest would bug our cats to death--not hurt them, just bug them. I patiently explained that they were very friendly cats and they were avoiding him because he bugged them. I repeated, repeated, repeated. Finally, I waited until he was engrossed in a video game and came up to him and patted his hair and hugged him and told him he was a good cat.

This made him laugh himself silly, and it was the end of the cat bugging. He was further rewarded because once he stopped bugging them, they stopped avoiding him and he got the enjoyable experience of sitting down on the couch and having a cat wander over for a cuddle. That very concrete reflection, though, SHOWED him how annoying it was to be peacefully doing your thing and have someone come up to you and start bugging you. I drew the parallel verbally as well. "Did you like it? Well, it's not stupid to suppose the cat doesn't like it either--after all, the cat has feelings just like you and I do."

All of us have to deal with reality, and you do the child no favors by creating a little bubble of specialness for them. I like to give the person as much control as possible, myself. That way, one can find out the real limits where help is actually needed.

For example, my roommate is HFA. When I first met him, he wasn't able to follow 3-step directions, the CPD would kick in and it would just go awry. So I simply started asking "Do you need to write it down?" and if he thought he did, he did. If it was a simple two or three steps, we found that repeating the key words a couple of times was all it took.

He figured out really quick that if he didn't grasp it after three or four repeats, writing it down was the way to go. With the new confidence that he would NEVER AGAIN have to stand there and be confused, he stopped being afraid to try, and he can now do up to five steps pretty reliably. It was his thing to try to work on or not as he wished, but it dealt with the reality that sometimes there is a need to follow multi-step directions.

I think what she's saying is "even though you're in a wheelchair, there's no reason you can't get around". I concur. Even if he is never capable of functioning in wider society, setting reasonable limits insures that he will remain free to live to the fullest possible capacity given his abilities. If he gets jailed/institutionalized because he committed assault and battery, that freedom will be taken from him, autistic or not.