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News › Is Empathy a Rule in Behaviour?
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Brian Henson: Is Empathy a Rule in Behaviour?
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Posted by sylvia on Friday, May 28, 2004 (09:38:59)
When it comes to behaviour, what are the rules?
That, in essence, is what I have been plagued with, for over half a century.
Often, I have been told (mostly in a nasty voice): "Behave yourself!"
I was lost, yes, completely lost, as to what this meant, in any way.
I was raised in a Christian protestant family, and, like my siblings (who
are not on the autistic spectrum as I see them), I attended church school
every Sunday morning when possible. I was taught the basic tenets of the
Christian faith, which included the Ten Commandments, The Beatitudes,
and the Golden Rule, along with many of the parables.
With all of this, however, I was still lost when told to "behave" myself.
I did not ever recall any mention in the scriptures of a person being
chastised for flapping his hands, not making eye contact, or not showing
empathy to someone who had won a sporting event. As these situations
arose in my daily living, I was lost as to what the response should be
from a purely spiritual plane, even if some folks knew the sciptures better
than the back of their hands.
Is it a rule of behaviour that you must support your own country, just because
you were born in that country? Is patriotism, in other words, mandatory in all
areas of this planet?
Is it a rule of behaviour that you must support your state, province, territory,
region, or county against others who might show that they are, in any way,
"better", than the area you are living in?
Is it a rule of behaviour that, while attending any educational institution, that
you must support the institution's own teams and entries into any competition,
whether in the sports, olympics, arts, entertainment, or whatever might come
up to compete with your institution?
Is it a rule of behaviour that you must look back upon the wonderful deeds that
a person has done when that person dies, and hide any or all of the bad deeds
that this same person has done, showing complete sympathy for the others who
will dearly miss this person in their lives?
Is it a rule of behaviour that when others do not wish to talk about a subject
(even if that subject is very interesting and even exhilarating to you), you
must adhere to their wishes, and remain silent on that subject to the point of
having no one else in your life to share that subject?
Is it a rule of behaviour that you must look at others in the eye when they are
speaking to you and be very competent in deciphering their eye gestures to
help you completely understand their verbal messages so that there are no
possible misunderstandings, whatsoever?
Is it a rule of behaviour that you cannot touch any parts of your hands to your
face, as it might distract the eye concentration of the other people who are
relying on the fixed attention of your eyes and face while talking to you to
get their message across to you?
Is it a rule of behaviour that, if someone else politely decides to clear his
breathing passages using a handkerchief, and makes a loud noise disrupting
your own concentration, that you have to take it with a grain of salt and have
a strong sense of humour towards this person (even if the same person
chastised you for picking something off your face)?
Is it a rule of behaviour that you cannot change the subject of the discussion
as long as the other party to the discussion wants to maintain the subject, but,
on the other hand, if you would rather the subject of discussion to be continued
and the other party does not, you must politely let the other party change the
subject to avoid appearing undiplomatic and naive in this situation?
This is just a touch of what is in the back of an autistic's mind when it comes
to behaviour, and what others mean by "appropriateness" according to the
circumstances. Like the old cliché, an autistic person is caught "between a
rock and a hard place" when it comes to trying to satisfy others as to what is
considered "appropriate" at any particular event or occurrence.
Right now, I am wondering if what I am writing in this passage would be
"appropriate" to hundreds of others who might, at some time, be reading these
words. Firstly, how does one establish the "rules" of correct behaviour, and
then, secondly, how does one justify each and every one of these "rules" over
time, as societies, cultures, and people, themselves, often change over time?
Even when it comes to clothing, it is almost impossible in our day and age to
make "rules" as to what is "appropriate", but many (if not most) people today
still want to let others know what they see as "appropriate" clothing according
to the surroundings and the events. If an autistic person disagrees with these
value judgements, that person is either in hot water for making any type of
disagreement, or else is devoid of another potential friendship.
Simple respect for differences of opinion between those with disabilities and
those outside of any concern with disabilities seems to be extremely low, at this
point in the global evolution of the human species. It's enough, at times, to cause
one to shed a tear, in dismay, as the hopes for the future seem to be shallow, at best.
It's not that individuals on the autistic spectrum lack empathy; often these people
experience very little, if any, empathy from their non-autistic acquaintances. It's a
matter not of empathy, itself, but of the type of empathy that autistic people need,
as opposed to the type needed by those outside of the autistic spectrum.
An autistic person is looking for support for himself/herself in the form of concrete
action (as opposed to notes of praise and goading a person on without concrete steps
to get there). Like a girl, for example, on the autistic spectrum who has had tons of
praise for her art work--she is looking for concrete steps on how to get her art out into
the world, at art shows, galleries, and judged shows, with the applied help of an "agent"
(even if that agent is her father, for example).
On the other hand, people outside of the autistic spectrum are looking more for
"emotional" empathy, in giving a person a pat on the back for their team, even if the
team just lost entry into a championship....
Yes, each abstract term (in English, at least), seems to have an autistic connotation that
is slightly "off-beat" to the non-autistic connotation, and these autistic connotations are
not so much static as dynamic, moment-by-moment, day-by-day....
Note: Brian Henson is our online columnist, if you have any comments or questions please add them below or use our feedback form.
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Posted by sylvia on Friday, May 28, 2004 (09:38:59) (3008 reads)
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