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Posted by sylvia on Friday, August 05, 2005 (11:04:54)
It seems, when looking in back over the years, as though many professionals and administration
personnel that I have come in contact with, were fully determined to practice their own form of
heirarchy at any cost--to prove that their way of seeing things is always a "better", "more
efficient", "happier", ...way of looking at any situation than anyone else's.
Many times, when I try to tell a hurtful situation to someone in the medical or social service
"industry", I get the remark: "Why do you let something like that bother you?" I cannot get
through to these "pros" that it is not a matter of "letting it" bother me; it is a very painful
area of life, just like someone with rheumatoid arthritis (to someone who has never experienced
it). They agree that rheumatoid arthritis is painful--anything "physical" like that can,
according to them, be painful, but anything outside of the physical realm, ....well, as they see
it, it's just a matter of not "letting it" cause one any problems.
Even if I give the example of
the pain of loss in a family where a member has been killed by a hit-and-run driver, they are
willing to accept such pain, but say that it (the pain) is "real", as the family did, indeed
suffer a "real" loss, but what I am going through in the painful situation that I described to
them is "just in your head", and that I should "snap out of it, and get on with your life!"....
To me, that points to a complete lack of empathy on the part of those who feel this sense of
"moral superiority". We autistics and aspies are always accused of lacking empathy towards
others, when we are only searching for empathy from others, and, not being able to find it
(or very rarely finding it), we are driven to withdraw from many contacts in life, as all we
get is tons of advice on how to "spruce up" our act, and "think positive", when we are not
looking for such advice whatsoever, but for an empathetic ear from someone who will share
our feelings about life, even for the moment.
This is not to say that all aspies are in a "sad state" of affairs; far from it. Often, for
example, when I want to explain that I have been able to experience sheer joy at just following
the outline of a tree against the sky (while others around me are, for example, playing golf,
swimming, or enjoying a carnival atmosphere at some park), I am told that it is "very
inappropriate" to ignore what others around me are doing, and that it is incumbent on me to get
rid of my "silly obscession" with trees, and start to engage in what others are doing.
This only adds more woes to my life, as the sheer joy of following the silhouette of the tree
against the sky is seen as a "disability" by these folks, when I am trying to find others who
are willing to share in this joy, as I wind my way along the path of life.
These pros are very quick at using the attitude of "yes, ...but" in their conversations, such
as: "Yes, you do find beauty in that image, but you are depriving yourself of contact with
others by perpetuating such ideas as though the world should stop what it is doing, and come
over to you, just so that you do not feel isolated!"
I tell them that I was not expecting "the world" to come over to me, at all, but just to find
one other person in the crowd who also could find affirmation in that image that the rest of the
crowd seem to be totally oblivious to, or just plain ignoring. Again these pros say that I am
expecting too much in others as they are going to do what they are used to doing, and no one
could be expected to change his or her life, even for the moment, just to "serve" me and my
obscession with this "thing" that is nothing but a diversion away from others, an "escape" from
the "reality" of personal contact with others.
When I ask why others cannot make personal contact with me, again they say that the onus is no
"me" to change my ways, and that it is just "foolhardy" to expect others to change their ways
just to "accomodate you and your clever ways at avoiding full integration in the social scenes
around you!"
This seems to go on, and on, until I can no longer get the "guts" in me to remain in contact
with that person, be it a professional (medical doctor, social worker, psychologist,
councellor), or an associate or even a "friend", and then the bridge that I thought would bring
a way of bonding to others is abandonned, as I cannot take the constant "heat" of being reminded
constantly that it is I who must change, and that the other person has no "need" to change, at
all, even if the other person has severe problems in other areas of life.
For example, one lost
friend who was told all about AS, and outlined that friend's problem with panic attacks, said,
one day, that there had to be a way of finding a "cure" for AS, when that same person had no
interest, at all, in finding a way of getting help for their panic attacks.....
No wonder others have problems in understanding why persons (such as myself) on the autistic
spectrum have difficulty in making or keeping "friends"--many (but not all) of these contacts are
far, far too conditional in their approach, even if they claim to offer "unconditional love". They
sure do not know how to practice what they preach!
Note: Brian Henson is our online columnist, if you have any comments or questions please add them below or use our feedback form.
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