Is Empathy a Rule in Behaviour?
Friday, May 28, 2004 (09:38:59)

Posted by sylvia

When it comes to behaviour, what are the rules?

That, in essence, is what I have been plagued with, for over half a century.

Often, I have been told (mostly in a nasty voice): "Behave yourself!"

I was lost, yes, completely lost, as to what this meant, in any way.

I was raised in a Christian protestant family, and, like my siblings (who are not on the autistic spectrum as I see them), I attended church school every Sunday morning when possible. I was taught the basic tenets of the Christian faith, which included the Ten Commandments, The Beatitudes, and the Golden Rule, along with many of the parables.

With all of this, however, I was still lost when told to "behave" myself. I did not ever recall any mention in the scriptures of a person being chastised for flapping his hands, not making eye contact, or not showing empathy to someone who had won a sporting event. As these situations arose in my daily living, I was lost as to what the response should be from a purely spiritual plane, even if some folks knew the sciptures better than the back of their hands.

Is it a rule of behaviour that you must support your own country, just because you were born in that country? Is patriotism, in other words, mandatory in all areas of this planet?

Is it a rule of behaviour that you must support your state, province, territory, region, or county against others who might show that they are, in any way, "better", than the area you are living in?

Is it a rule of behaviour that, while attending any educational institution, that you must support the institution's own teams and entries into any competition, whether in the sports, olympics, arts, entertainment, or whatever might come up to compete with your institution?

Is it a rule of behaviour that you must look back upon the wonderful deeds that a person has done when that person dies, and hide any or all of the bad deeds that this same person has done, showing complete sympathy for the others who will dearly miss this person in their lives?

Is it a rule of behaviour that when others do not wish to talk about a subject (even if that subject is very interesting and even exhilarating to you), you must adhere to their wishes, and remain silent on that subject to the point of having no one else in your life to share that subject?

Is it a rule of behaviour that you must look at others in the eye when they are speaking to you and be very competent in deciphering their eye gestures to help you completely understand their verbal messages so that there are no possible misunderstandings, whatsoever?

Is it a rule of behaviour that you cannot touch any parts of your hands to your face, as it might distract the eye concentration of the other people who are relying on the fixed attention of your eyes and face while talking to you to get their message across to you?

Is it a rule of behaviour that, if someone else politely decides to clear his breathing passages using a handkerchief, and makes a loud noise disrupting your own concentration, that you have to take it with a grain of salt and have a strong sense of humour towards this person (even if the same person chastised you for picking something off your face)?

Is it a rule of behaviour that you cannot change the subject of the discussion as long as the other party to the discussion wants to maintain the subject, but, on the other hand, if you would rather the subject of discussion to be continued and the other party does not, you must politely let the other party change the subject to avoid appearing undiplomatic and naive in this situation?

This is just a touch of what is in the back of an autistic's mind when it comes to behaviour, and what others mean by "appropriateness" according to the circumstances. Like the old cliché, an autistic person is caught "between a rock and a hard place" when it comes to trying to satisfy others as to what is considered "appropriate" at any particular event or occurrence.

Right now, I am wondering if what I am writing in this passage would be "appropriate" to hundreds of others who might, at some time, be reading these words. Firstly, how does one establish the "rules" of correct behaviour, and then, secondly, how does one justify each and every one of these "rules" over time, as societies, cultures, and people, themselves, often change over time?

Even when it comes to clothing, it is almost impossible in our day and age to make "rules" as to what is "appropriate", but many (if not most) people today still want to let others know what they see as "appropriate" clothing according to the surroundings and the events. If an autistic person disagrees with these value judgements, that person is either in hot water for making any type of disagreement, or else is devoid of another potential friendship.

Simple respect for differences of opinion between those with disabilities and those outside of any concern with disabilities seems to be extremely low, at this point in the global evolution of the human species. It's enough, at times, to cause one to shed a tear, in dismay, as the hopes for the future seem to be shallow, at best.

It's not that individuals on the autistic spectrum lack empathy; often these people experience very little, if any, empathy from their non-autistic acquaintances. It's a matter not of empathy, itself, but of the type of empathy that autistic people need, as opposed to the type needed by those outside of the autistic spectrum.

An autistic person is looking for support for himself/herself in the form of concrete action (as opposed to notes of praise and goading a person on without concrete steps to get there). Like a girl, for example, on the autistic spectrum who has had tons of praise for her art work--she is looking for concrete steps on how to get her art out into the world, at art shows, galleries, and judged shows, with the applied help of an "agent" (even if that agent is her father, for example).

On the other hand, people outside of the autistic spectrum are looking more for "emotional" empathy, in giving a person a pat on the back for their team, even if the team just lost entry into a championship....

Yes, each abstract term (in English, at least), seems to have an autistic connotation that is slightly "off-beat" to the non-autistic connotation, and these autistic connotations are not so much static as dynamic, moment-by-moment, day-by-day....

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